Musings from the Brain

25 years ago today

2005-12-08T17:42:00.000-05:00

Some guy by the name of Chapman stood quietly in the dark of some New York street, patiently awaiting one forth of the defunct Beatles, just to shout out "Mr Lennon". Then with a loud thud and final echo, some chubby man sporting wire-rimmed glasses had shot one of the most famous and influencial talents of the 60's and 70's. That's it. Done. That simple.

Why would one such man do such a thing? Ask him. I have no idea. I was 4 at the time, but it still affects me today... kinda. It kills me to think that some asshole can have that much angst, so much rage as to fire a .38-caliber pistol at arguably one of the world's most talented people. He shot him dead. Pulled the trigger and killed John Lennon on a chilly December night.

All he had to say was "I just shot John Lennon,". Chapman replied ever so softly when asked by Lennon's doorman, as a 4 year old might voice if asked what he wanted for breakfast "Cocoa Puffs is fine".

I can't write much that hasn't already been written so I'll leave at that.

May he rest in peace.

U2, the review after the reflection

2005-11-28T15:20:00.000-05:00

U2 Friday night, very very good. Was it worth a few hundred bucks? Yep. Show of the year? For me, yep. It was a hell of a night.

The set list was awesome, as was the stage and lighting, even though they had some issues a few songs in. Bono's voice was definitely "off", and the sound could have been better. But all in all, excellent experience.

What makes or breaks a show (for me) is the energy of the band, and how much energy is taken and given back to the fans. Let me tell you, U2 are fucking pros. Bono is a master, from dragging kids on stage to dancing with a girl for With or Without You, to what he says, how he says it. All of it. Beautiful. 25 years on stage, and these guys not only do not miss a beat, but they're getting to the point that they know just how long to play with the crowd and at what moment. Most of all, you get the feeling that U2 is giving all they have, night after night and show after show. Watching these guys do what they do best is a wonderful thing, and doing that with 20 000 friends is a pretty incredible thing.

U2 show tonight !

2005-11-25T09:33:00.000-05:00

Tonight's the big night, U2 in really a matter of just a few hours. It's hard to believe I bought these tickets 8 months ago! Damn.

I'm surprised that I'm getting this excited about it, becuase for months they were just 2 tiny pieces of cardboard sitting on a shelf. Now they've materialized into what just may be the hottest ticket in town. Yep, I'm feeling it. Leaving work early and driving down to Ottawa to see them. Ottawa is FAR from a party town. Hell, ANY kind of town. This is the type of place that rolls up the town at 5:00pm on Friday and you almost expect tumbleweed to be rolling through Main Street.

I'll definitely be reporting about everything Monday. Have a great one everybody! I sure will.

Random thoughts

2005-11-24T21:29:00.000-05:00

If turkeys had a holiday, you think they'd be thankful for anything?

When referring to more than one box, why can't you use the term "boxen"?

If blue balls occurs when polly wont finish off your cracker, does that mean you should finish yourself?

Is it possible for a bird to be afraid of heights?

Americans elected George Bush... a second time?

Why am I now suddenly obsessed with the term "teabag"?

Do cats ever wake up and think "Fuck, I've just GOT to do something with my life."?

I feel as washed-up as Paris Hilton

2005-11-23T07:34:00.000-05:00

I didn't write for a couple months, recently got back on the horse. Fucking horses. Never liked riding anyhow. Always trying desperately to hang on, while your ass feels like it's getting pounded through your ribs. As a dude, this isn't the greatest feeling I can think of.

I digress.

I'm washed-up like Paris Hilton. I wonder what she thinks. Actually, nope, really don't care. What's going on inside that empty space is nobody's business. It's probably a dark, caverness, mold infested wasteland of a head and a personality that's as flat as she is. Speaking of Hilton, here's something I've always wanted to try... have a mystery box auction on eBay with just a pic of Hilton. Mystery box is up for sale. That's all it needs to say. To explain the nasty contents of the box being sold would only either get it pulled from the site or freak out the women and children. Shit, probably the men too! What do you win? Nothing, just a used up, grimy, spent box everyone has seen already on the Internet.

The worst part of what's quickly becoming an all Paris post? Giving her this much publicity. If I didn't post everything I write, I'd delete the fuck out of this and try again. But I gotta go to work, to earn thos pennies to pay the rent and feed the cat.

The Infamous Christmas list

2005-11-22T14:56:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been asked to provide one of these horrible things?

Most of the time, it's requested by people who have problems buying gifts, people that don't know you well enough. In my case, it's that AND it's my parents... who are so afraid of buying the wrong thing they need a list.

So now, what do you put on this list? A sweater? An IPod? A watch? Concert tickets? Gift certificates? DVD's?

How specific do you get? Seiko Coutura Kinetic Stainless Steel Perpetual Calendar Watch? Too specific? What about handing somebody a list that says: Watch. Now that's begging for trouble, almost daring them to buy the tackiest, nastiest watch that ever came out of a Happy Meal.

What about the number? Are 4 items enough, or do they want 25 items minimum? Who the fuck knows really.

What about categories and pricepoints? Amidst "computer", "lawnmower" and "digital camera", are you expected to sprinkle the list with a couple CD's? Should it be in terms of price, ease of locating the gift, or alphabetical? I swear I've thought about all of these.

Finally, what about multiple lists? If you've got a few people in your entourage that force you to hand over a list of possible mistakes, do you make your life easier by simply producing 1 document, or do you produce multiple versions so there's possibillity you receive the same crap? I've even considered including a phone number to the person with whom they share the identical list. Maybe something like "Before buying anything on this list, please contact Shirly at 555-9368".

I find the process hard as hell. As I continue to try and find ideas for myself I'm continually reminded of why I'm not particularly fond of the holiday season. I know it's sad, but it's too much work for the little joy it brings me. More on the crazy shoppers in a different post. I'm blogged out.

Dildo, Climax, Gay, Blowhard, or French Lick?

2005-11-21T16:59:00.000-05:00

Did I get your attention?

These are actual city names. No shit. All 100 percent true. 2 of them are in Michigan, nice state.

I can't imagine being on the phone with my Internet company and trying to explain French Lick to some guy named Billy. "That's right, I moved from Dildo, Newfoundland to French Lick. You happy now?" What fun to live in a town called climax. Hard to be bored in a town like that. And if you like that kind of thing, Blowhard would be the kind of place for you. If you're of the slow suck variety, stay in Blue Ball, Pennsylvania where you belong.

Leather pants? You betcha

2005-11-21T11:02:00.000-05:00

Ever bought something you really don't need? I was having this conversation wa s co-worker last week and turns out just when thought you were special and unique... not a chance. Turns out everyone buys crap they don't need, will never use, and don't even want. Why? Who knows.

I recently ran out and bought a pair of $350 motorcycle pants. Did I need them? Well, kinda but not now. I have no money and it's November in Canada. Enough said. A laptop that I wanted for a week or two, then I bought it. I had big plans for this puppy, really did. In the last 6 months I've turned it on about 5 or 6 times. How about an expensive drum set, but I'm such a mediocre drummer no amount of money spent on a drum set could possibly get me to sound good. I have a million of these, thank god for eBay. Without eBay I wouldn't be able to get into my house, I'm a bit of a brand whore and for a guy strangely like to shop.

Of course, this wouldn't be complete without my inspiration for this story. Here's the text grabbed from an auction that appeared on ebay a few months ago. I love people that can be creative enough to poke fun at themselves. This is classic.

-----------------

You are bidding on a mistake.

We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.
Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34x34. I am no longer size 34x34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

Please buy these leather pants.

Apparently, sex feels better for women than men

2005-11-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

The following is taken from somewhere on the net. I forget where, but they swear it's true.

"One of my co-workers (who is originally from Arkansas, just FYI) told me one day that he knew for a fact that sex feels better for women than it does for men. I asked, "How do you figure that?" His reply was (and I am not making this up!), "Because when you put your finger in your ear and wiggle it around, it feels better to your ear than it does to your finger."

Fuckers everywhere, it never ends

2005-11-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

It happened to me at lunch today, and it happens at least every other day. I'm driving along, minding my own business when I spot a guy start trying to exit his driveway. He should (in theory) stop, assess the situation, wait till I pass, and then nicely drive away. Nope, not the fucker driver. This sorry piece of shit realizes he has no right, yet still encroaches on your space and forces you to a slam the brakes. No one likes an accident, and this asshole knows you'll do everything in your power to avoid the accident, sparing this fuck's 86 Honda Civic from your car (with airbags no less).

Here's where my idea comes in. We select (or fuck it, they can self appoint themselves) a bunch of whacked out do-gooders during shitboxes, just waiting for these fuckers. No thought process, no hesitation, just smash. Boom. Here's a big fuck you Mr. I don't give a fuck, I'm coming out.

We can call these guys the Smash the Assholes Coalition. Ok, so right now I can't think. I'm probably a little too pissed to think. Right now, it's the SAC. Live with it. Fuck do we need this.

Painting is a lot like Sex

2005-08-25T08:12:00.000-04:00

It's probably just me talking, but after trying to paint the bedroom for the past couple days... I realized it reminds of something. Sex.

Is it the preparation? The messiness of the whole affair? Maybe it's the cleanup afterwards? I dunno. To be perfectly honest, I know I'm doing a lot of work, and I see results, but I'm not sure I even like the color. OK, so maybe I'm getting off topic here. The goal was to give the girlfriend a couple rooms (by the way, I've also promissed her the main bathroom) so she could feel like she's at home.

So where was I? Where the fuck's the climax dammit? Between the new curtains, the duvet covers and the soothing green backdrop, she ensures me it's coming. I'll let you know.

Has it been 12 days already?

2005-08-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

Well now, I'm back sorta.

Update on what's been happening in my life.

Painting the hell out of my place, the girlfriend is moving in in 3 days now
Did I mention my girlfriend is moving in?
Got me a new car - a MINI Cooper (Damn I love this car)
...and work? Crazy bastards have me working like a dog.

There will definitely be less updates than before (at least for the next week or 2), but I'm back baby!

Speeding Ticket Insurance

2005-08-11T11:54:00.000-04:00

Tired of speeding tickets and parking tickets? If you live in Sweden, you no longer have to pay for these tickets. Sure, it'll still be a pain in the ass to slow down, pull over, stop, and speak to the cops... but that's it. No more forking over hundreds of dollars to pay the salary of the dude who just pulled you over.

An insurance company in Stockholm is claiming to be the first to offer coverage for these tickets. For roughly $112 a year, you're good for up to 3 speeding tickets at a max of 30km/h above the limit. Wow. Fucking beautiful. Sign me up.

Here's the link.

For a little bit more than 100 bucks a year, the asshole factor has just been increased by a staggering number. Holy shit, I really can't believe this company can make any money. If this shit came to the US and Canada, they would have so much business... wow. I guarantee a million signups within their first week. They'd have to charge more, but I think any company charging 2 or 3 hundred bucks a year could make money. All this while the SUV driving assholes would be tearing it up, everybody would be flying 90 miles an hour. Imagine L.A. now biatch.

A simpler time.. Remember when...

2005-08-11T10:03:00.000-04:00

A Hardware conflict was something that happened at Home Depot
A Curser was anyone who uses profanity
Online was just a really good tennis shot
Surfing was something involving a beach and some waves
And if you were a dude with a 3 1/2" floppy, you really hoped nobody found out

Meg was the freaky chick from the other night
Windows were there for guys to plant their ass cheeks on
Ram was the animal related to the goat
And a backup could be relieved with some Ex-Lax

Ass Smacking and Dead Asshole

2005-08-10T09:47:00.000-04:00

Radio is fined 1/4 million bucks for smacking asses

First thought? Cool. I'm shocked these people were even contacted. Women must have been involved at the state level. Seriously though, I'm surprised anyone has a problem with this. From what I could gather (and it's still FUCKING early) women were smacking other women's asses. I can see if it were a guy, but a chick? C'mon people, if these crazy freaks want to smack their asses for a couple tickets to catch the Dixie Chicks (or whatever other shitty incentive this station had available at time of smacking) then let the bitches smack themselves senseless. SHit, I'll even help.

Dude dies after spending 50 hours with a videogame

So here I was this morning, checking on the news... come across this one too. So I'm thinking, what the hell was he DOING with this videogame? Don't spend 2 full days in front of your Nintendo. No shower, no sleep, no eating... hmmm, sounds logical right? That's right, this dude is a complete Asswipe. A fucking Asshole who doesn't deserve to still be with us. We're now one less moron in the world and I somehow feel better. Ahhhhhhhh...

Man Panties

2005-08-09T08:13:00.000-04:00

Jesus Christ, where to begin...

After being forwarded a link to a site that made my eyes almost pop out of my head, I bring you the man panties. Man panties folks. Yep. That's right. Smooth and silky and sheer. Also comes with matching man bra (aka: bro or manzier).

Now, I have a few issues with this. It's just wrong. Floral prints, silky bottoms, completely transparent fabrics, all that shit. Just wrong. But above all that, I started thinking about these guys, these models. One day these dudes got a call from their agent. The next day they were sporting lacy little panties. No wonder these models are cut off at the neck.

My computer Eddie

2005-08-08T07:44:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a couple days. I'll blame it squarely on my computer. What the fuck right? Why not?

I've thought about people's problems with their computers and have come up with a solution. If you are one of those poor people inflicted with 'Computer Phobia' listen up.

Name your computer, name the screen.

It is my personal opinion that cursing out someone is usually easier than cursing out an inanimate object. This is why you should name your computer, just in case you have to resort to this. I don't suggest this, as I am trying to alleviate the animosity between man and machine. If you name your computer, you feel more at ease with it. Sorry. I mean him. Or her.

The best thing you can do is build a relationship with this thing. You always have to type in your name everywhere so you're pretty sure "He" knows your name. Since you named him, you can now become friends.

The best part is that you can remain friends until he annoys you. Then, you have someone to blame. Face it, it's easier to arrive at work Monday morning and tell your boss that Eddie refused to print your report than say that your computer wouldn't print it. It also makes it sound more believable.

Once you name your computer you become more confident and less stressed. You are more eager to see him, as though he really is a person. You build a relationship, and eventually trust him.

Freakshow we call the Internet

2005-08-04T11:20:00.000-04:00

The beauty of the Internet (beyond free porn) is the ability to band with like-minded freaks. If you live in New York, London, Berlin, Los Angeles, Tokyo it might be real simple to find girls that are into naked midget jello wrestling... but picture the poor dude in Nebraska.

We all need outlets. That's fine. To most people, that's photography or cooking, working on the car, or around the garden. Some of us are just weird. Fucking freaky actually. You might not know this, but your neighbor collects dead celebrity toenail clippings. Yummy. Seriously, without places like eBay to fuel this asshole's outlet, where the fuck would he have obtained Kurt Cobain's nasty crusty toe sprinklings?

Hey, just because you're a basketcase psycho with a strange fetish doesn't mean you shouldn't have people to talk to. Well, maybe, but I'm not here to judge. Find a group, start a website and watch the freaks show up. Remember, it's not just a help group, it's a community... now that's a joke. Only the web would turn a site into a "community". Give me a fucking break. A dozen people show up and you call it a fucking community? That's like calling a half deserted trailer park in the middle of Arizona a "community". A fucking joke.

Tattoo meets Moron

2005-08-03T16:09:00.000-04:00

2 guys just standing around when one turns to the other and notices a tattoo on his buddy's arm.

Johnny Ram: What is that thing?
Tattoo dude: I dunno, it happened when I was abducted by aliens.

Johnny Ram: Did it hurt?
Tattoo dude: I don't remember, I was too busy bleeding.

Johnny Ram: Why did you do it?
Tattoo dude: If I'd known I would have to answer all these dumb questions, I might have reconsidered.

Johnny Ram: That's permanent, you know ...
Tattoo dude: That's what they said about Elvis.

Johnny Ram: Is that real?
Tattoo dude: Yes, but only the outline. I colored the rest with crayons.

Johnny Ram: What did your parents say?
Tattoo dude: Nothing. They still haven't gotten over my leather fetish.

Johnny Ram: You must have been pretty drunk when you got that.
Tattoo dude: You know, everything seems more logical whey you're drunk/stoned.

Johnny Ram: I would NEVER do that.
Tattoo dude: I know.

Johnny Ram: You're one of those freaks, aren't you?
Tattoo dude: A second look is better than none at all.

Johnny Ram: Isn't there some sort of health risk?
Tattoo dude: Naah, the guy got a brand new guitar string right from the package in front of me.

Johnny Ram: Won't you regret that when you're 80?
Tattoo dude: Well it was either this or redraw it every day for 60 years...

Answers to Women's Questions

2005-08-03T10:35:00.000-04:00

Some questions are tough. Some are tougher still. But women seem to ask the toughest questions of all. I'm not sure if they mean too, but I wish they would stop.

Do you love me?

Best answer: Yes.

The above is nice becasue of its simplicity. Delivery is crucial since a pause any more than a nanosecond really could spell disaster. Other disastrous answers include "Yeah, sure... you betcha" or "Define love" or " Why should it matter?" or even "Why not".

Do you think I look fat?

Best answer: No, of course not.

Why do women keep asking this one? If you don't want to hear "Well, kinda" than don't fucking ask! Also classic are "Not exactly fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either" or I have seen fatter" or "Compared to what?".

Do you think I'm prettier than her?

Best answer: Definitely.

Again, speed of delivery is key. Too much of a pause and she'll know. Answers that should never be used include "The fat one or the hot one?" or "Depends on how you define pretty" or "Your personality is WAY hotter". All killers.

What are you thinking?

Best answer: I was reflecting on what a perfect woman you are and how much you mean to me.

The response bears no resemblance with what you were really thinking. Really folks, the answer is nothing. Or maybe it's beer, food, other women, sports or cars. There really isn't much else.

What would you do if I died?

Best answer: None. There is no way out of this one, since no matter what you answer will begin a long discussion, filled with questions you can't answer.

Answers not to use include "Buy a Corvette" or "Call your sister".

Followup questions includes shit like Would you remarry? No right way to answer this one, since even if you say NO, she'll ask why you don't like being married. Piles of shiity questions here, including family, the home you've made together, sleeping in your dead wife's bed... the list goes on and on.

General answers to avoid. These work for a lot of situations, but again, don't use them.

These include "Could you repeat that? I was just thinking what I could do with the insurance money if you died" and "Sure, whatever, I wasn't listening anyway".

Tag lines, signatures and sayings

2005-08-02T14:31:00.000-04:00

I post on a few online forums, and sometimes some of the signatures at the bottom of the posts are just good. Some funny, brutally honest, witty, insightful, whatever. I know I've missed tons of them, but here's a few.

By the way, some are more specific than others, I think they're still relevant. Share some of your favorites.

Duct tape is like the Force: It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the Universe together.
Live it like you mean it, this ain't no dress rehearsal!
The price for popularity is that everybody likes you, but yourself....I pick liking myself
It's more fun to ride a slow bike fast than to ride a fast bike slow.
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, throughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming --- ' WOW, WHAT A RIDE!!!!
Don't attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity
He who dies with the most toys still dies.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
I'm not quiet... I'm plotting...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
If I were less tired this statement might be more creative.
Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Come to the dark side, we have cookies. =D
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend, inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

ME against THEM

2005-08-02T07:52:00.000-04:00

About to throw one leg over the seat and grip those handlebars. Oh yeah baby. This is another fine day to ride.

All those cheezy metaphors apply, all those clichés are 100% true. Freedom, the open road, the lone feel of road, the senses are heightened but challeneged all at once. This is the true enjoyment of the motorcycle, not the speed, not the risk of death. Mortality is definitely brought up when on this machine, believe me. Sometimes it gets WAY too damn close.

That brings me to my next point, everyone on that road is a suspect. They are all trying to splatter me onto the pavement. Every man or woman in a cage today will try and do me in. I see it in their eyes, they want to paint my insides all over their precious highways. Today, it's ME against THEM.

I'm off.

Baseball, SNL and Porn

2005-08-01T09:54:00.000-04:00

Played about 2 hours of backyard baseball on Saturday with my girlfriend. Now, I am REALLY out of shape. ALl we did was throw each other the ball and swing away. Was lots of fun, except when she failed to catch a fly ball and it hit her in the eye! Black eye. Now I look like a wife beater. Don't worry, she evened it up. Before the day was over, she hit a ball directly on me. Hit me square in the shoulder, and yes I'm still feeling the hell out of that one this morning.

Watched about 15 minutes of Saturday Night Live this weekend. It was probably a repeat, I have no clue. Don't really care. So when did it start being so shit? I mean, when did it start looking a bad high school production of Annie threw up on this show?

In related news (since she was hosting) Cameron Diaz is still around? Why exactly? Maybe somebody's knows something I don't, but this skinny annoying talentless chick has really been around too long. Wonder what she's doing to stay. Guessing she swallows.

Ever rented porn? I'm asking the women, since guys... I know the answer. It's a not an easy thing to do. I was with my girlfriend, so it made it a little easier. I don't know why, it just did.

They always have a little curtain or those swinging saloon doors. As much as you prepare yourself for what you're about to see, you NEVER are that prepared. For those that don't know, there's nothing subtle about the porn industry. 100 percent of what's within those 18+ walls is filthy, nasty shit. Cum Covered Whores, Dirty Backdoor Entry, Mr Smith and his Bitches, Anal invasion, Facial Cream Virgins Volume 12, you get the point. By the way, what the fuck is with the 12, or volume 8, or whatever? Really, there I was with my girl thinking, "Damn baby, I know Ram that Cock Down her Throat Volume 3 sounds good, but we didn't even see #1 or #2." That would be madness right? How could we ever follow along, having missed the first 2 full length features.

Talk like a Gangster Mutha fucka

2005-08-01T09:16:00.000-04:00

The site is Gizoogle, obviously a cheezy play off Google popularity. Forget the name and try this if you haven't already.

http://www.gizoogle.com/

Completely ridiculous shit, this site translates existing text and sites to gangsta Snoop Dogg-like language. You have got to try this for yourself. It had me laughing my ass off after it translated the corporate home page of the company I work for.

Women and Plungers

2005-07-30T08:54:00.000-04:00

This morning I was taking a leak and my eyes latched on to the side of my toilet and for some reason my full attention was on my plunger. Why should I give a rat's ass about a plunger? Well, normally I wouldn't, but this morning I thought "Damn, that reminds me of something".

I'm not 100% of what exactly, maybe we can figure this out together.

Here's a plunger:

It's a 3D rendition of plunger, since taking a picture of my plunger would be gross.

So what does it remind of?

At first it reminded me of Collista Flockhart. Fuck is she thin! I can't believe 250 calories a day that bitch is ingesting is keeping her alive. These women need to eat. Take them out to a buffet somebody. Please.

What's the trend today? Is skeletal in now? If you're standing next to a stopsign and no one can see you, YOU ARE TOO FUCKING THIN.

Breasts and Cars

2005-07-29T15:26:00.000-04:00

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual,"

That's the winning entry for California San Jose State University bad writing contest. Not too shabby huh? Comparing breasts to carburetors, not a bad idea. And the fact that there's a shop manual... I mean, don't you just wish women came with shop manuals?

Random thoughts

2005-07-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

Why is it that when you try and sell a car, asswipes will come out of the woodwork trying to trade their 74 Gremlin, a 81 motorcycle in pieces, an old snowmobile and their 89 bronco. I mean really, what the fuck?

Hotel California is a seriously great piece of music, but c'mon, stop fucking playing the shit. Wow, not even Stairway to Heaven gets this much airplay!

I love getting really long ass emails from people (paragraphs people) and responding with 1 word. My favorite is Yep. Nope works too.

Bought new running shoes the other day. Why is it so hard to find simple plain looking pair of shoes? Have you seen the sole of shoes lately? Mine are grey, with some light beige, little red grippy things and text and crap everywhere in white. Just make a goddamn pair of shoes that's normal, that's all I ask.

I realized my job wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for my coworkers. The work doesn't bother me much, it's the petty, senseless or otherwise dumbass shit these monkeys put me through every day.

Why is is that when I'm on my motorcycle, people are trying to run me over?

Have you ever experienced Tourettes Heat? This is where it's so fucking hot that you find yourself saying shit "Holy fucking Christ, it's so fucking hot" or "Fuck me, Fuck it's Hot!". Complete loss of control over your words. Just last week I found myself yelling this phrase at an unsuspecting woman just as I was getting out of my unairconditoned car at Walmart: "Motherfuck I am so fucking hot!"

Abusing the human body

2005-07-28T14:40:00.000-04:00

One of my coworkers is leaving, so we all went out to lunch today. It was one of those 20 people hustling to eat lunch in our allotted hour (although we overshot that by a half hour). We went to Chinese buffet since we figured, no ordering, no waiting for the food, no waiting for the bills, etc. Everything was fine except I happened to be sitting almost directly in front of our largest employee.

Now, I'm not condemning you if your portly, overweight, big boned, fat, obese, whatever you feel like calling it. He's a big boy, about 6 feet tall, 300 pounds. He had 3 plates. 3 very large plates. No vegetables. Hell, there was no color whatsoever. It was just mounds of brown. Fried, battered, greasy meaty and sugary brown. Nasty.

It got me thinkin. The human body can really endure a shitload of abuse. This guy is 35 "ish". If this was lunch, I'm guessing that dinner is worse. At least comparable. When we mentioned, "Dude, no vegetables?" he just looked at us, shook his head and laughed, then went back to gorging.

It’s just nice to know the human body can be pushed much much further than I’m ever willing to go. Kinda like bringing your car to 120mph and then letting off the pedal. The speedometer reads maximum of 160mph and you get the feeling the car could easily handle it. I just don’t have the balls to push it.

Thongs and skimpy underwear

2005-07-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

I love the word thong. That's my first confession. Just the word is fun. It's on the same level as dribble or facetious, salsa even snot. Thong. Say it with me. Thong. It's so happy. It's so freakin' fun!

Of course it really doesn't cover much, which is always good. Ass cheeks a plenty with this little wonder. And have you ever seen one on the ground? Wow. It's like a pirate eyepatch. I have to confess I don't know how much Victoria's Secret charges for one of these things, but I'm sure they charge much too much for a tiny thong.

So today I wanted to talk the thong. As long as women are wearing it (I did see one dude last time I was in the Dominican Republic, nasty) I'm happy.

One less dumbass

2005-07-27T07:47:00.000-04:00

I sit here this morning with a bowl of Cheerios thankful I was born with at least half a brain.

I just finished reading about one guy in Texas that apparently wasn't around when the brain fairy was dispensing. This is the guy that called the cops to report theft of his pot. Some guys break in and steal his weed, and he calls the cops to report it. Holy Fuck! Wow.

Click here for the story.

I mean, this guy even had more pot plants in his place. What a dumbass.

More inventors I'd like to thank

2005-07-26T10:30:00.000-04:00

I got quite a few emails about my previous Inventions post last week. I thought I'd give a few more.

Air Conditioning Inventor
Everytime it gets to 90 degrees outside with this damn humidity I'm thankful to this guy. This is clearly the case of somebody who refused to sweat, and good on him for creating cold air.

Pez Inventor
Everybody knows what Pez is, or are. Now, why do we all care? I have no idea, but it certainly is neat, huh? Alright, I'm a geek.

The Pill Inventor
Millions of pills, but only the one known as THE pill. Gotta love this, no worries and sex the way it was meant to be. Genius.

Kevlar Inventor
Need to take a bullet? Slide down the road on your back going 80? No problem with Kevlar! This is a material fit for James Bond, all with a nifty name.

Beer Inventor
Thank ancient Egypt for this one folks, where apparently it was so hot (or conditions so shit) they needed some cold alcoholic refreshment to pass the time. Good on you!

Microwave Oven Inventor
This is an important one, since many of us thrive on its meals. TV dinner, yummy. Pizza Pockets, mmmmmm. Seriously, instead of an hour, it cooks (granted, not very well) in 4 minutes. Awesome shit my friends, awesome.

Razor Inventor
Now, imagine a world with no razors. Can you? If you can picture Angelina Jolie with afro-like armpit hair and mammoth legs, you can imagine the scenario just fine. But really, we'd all be cavemen. Skin is fun, let's show it off, ok?

Credit Card Inventor
You ever wanted something and didn't have the cash? You bought that shit anyway. Ya know why? Credit baby. It's tiny, fits in your wallet and fucks you with high interest charges month after month. Glorious credit.

Insulin Inventor
For those of you who don't know (and shame on you) Insulin is produced by the pancreas and basically regulates levels of sugar in the body. Sorry, enough of the science. I'm diabetic, and I'd be fooling myself not to thank Insulin for my still being here. Thanks Insulin guy, fellow Canuck.

Enjoy my art

2005-07-25T11:40:00.000-04:00

After seeing a few inspirational messages lying around, I couldn't help but do something myself.

http://artpad.art.com/?ik6woa1m44cw - Enjoy my art. It's the way I feel today.

Ever feel like Mondays are life's way of going "Hah, gotcha!"? You have no right to be happy. You are a money whore and everything you do has no meaning. What a cruel joke.

Weekend shopping experience

2005-07-25T09:58:00.000-04:00

I was shopping a little this weekend with my girlfriend. She needed a skirt, maybe a pair of shoes. Dangerous huh? You bet.

She was going out of town, leaving first thing Sunday morning. So here I was on Saturday thinkin I'll be a good guy and try and do something nice. Hell I thought, it might even be fun.

Pretty much all afternoon, a dozen stores. Trying on shoes, staring and feeling virtually anything resembling a skirt. Looking at stuff that coordinates, and trying everything on. So no shoes, no skirt, nothing.

How can that be? We must have looked thousands of shoes, dozens of skirts and tons of everything in between. She did buy a purse though... My feet were hurtin, I was totally drained. Painful day. But I'm at a loss as to why she couldn't find anything. Surely, ONE pair of shoes would have been good right? Maybe she had a certain style very particular that she was looking for, but it still doesn't make much sense to me.

I'm starting to understand why my dad likes to stay in the car while my mom shops.

Band names I'd like to see

2005-07-23T10:40:00.000-04:00

After hearing some absolutely crazy band names lately, it definitely got me thinking. I've seen stuff from "Liquid Jesus" to "Policeman with a Loaf of Bread" and even a little "Anal Cunt". What the fuck were the guys thinking?

What would I like to see out there? Well...

The Jewish Pork Goddess Project
Anal Virus (Although it sounds like someone else is already touring under this one)
Eddie and the Chocolate Wristband
Brass Knob on a Date
Dead puppies in a blender
Politically correct deferred successors
North Pole on Fire
Criminal Gonads
Silent Limp Bananas
Shatman and the bowel movements
Plywood Police Posse
Lonely Aliens for Bush
Pope's Little Boys Band
Molested Suede Cheese Sandwich
Pavement Huggers
Tragically Hip Replacements

Obviously this is a VERY incomplete list. Some of these would look awesome in bright lights or on a ticket stub. Imagine a conversation with a coworker.

Bob: Got any plans Friday night?
You: Yeah, checking out a show.

Bob: Oh yeah? Who?
You: The Jewish Pork Goddess Project

Bob: The what?
You: Jewish Pork Goddess Project. It's gonna be fucking amazing man, just fucking unreal!

Bob: Never heard of those guys. What kind of stuff they play?
You: It's mostly loud ass music. It's nothing you've heard of I bet. The singer's this 60 year old chick in a wheelchair and near the end of the show they catapult her in the crowd.

Bob: You got problems man.
You: Hey, Fuck You.

Stress and Sex

2005-07-22T09:39:00.000-04:00

Hey, being with someone can induce heavy amounts of stress on a person. If you are with somebody, you will agree. You'll agree even if you're looking for someone. If you've been with someone in the past twenty years, then once again, stress you can relate to. How do you lower the amount of stress in your life? Have sex.

Doctors agree that sex can reduce stress. They say that having enjoyable sex daily can make you live longer. That doesn't mean sex that lasts two and half minutes with your local hooker. But they say that this can reduce stress. Now how does that work? First, your stressed because you never get enough, and then when you do get some, your stressed because you don't know how well you performed. It is, after all, a performance. You always want her to scream: Encore! Encore! And if she does, your pretty certain you did well, but can you do it again? And how soon afterwards? Stressful.

Sex is one good reason to find that special someone. Someone who will respect and love you even after those times that make her think, "That's it?" We all have experienced those times and thanked God that the person we just had sex with loves us so much that it doesn't matter. We tell ourselves, "Tomorrow will be a better day and we shall rise again!" Pun intended. Lovemaking is an art and there is a big difference between five minutes and five hours.

That is, after all, what makes the difference between a one-night stand and a relationship. You have sex, three minutes later, it's over. Definition? One night stand. Have sex and it lasts half an hour, maybe your looking at two weeks, maybe two months. But when you have sex and it lasts two hours, and you just came in the most spectacular way of your life...you think, "hey, maybe this is the one". It probably isn't, but you get the point.

Life-long commitments are rarely decided on how good the sex was. Maybe they should be.

New look, same great taste!

2005-07-21T16:47:00.000-04:00

The look of the blog has changed, but let that fool ya. It's still the same great yummy brain.

Mmmmmmmmm, brain.

Word "Fail" to become "deferred success"?

2005-07-21T11:49:00.000-04:00

Teachers in Britain want to ban the word "fail" from the classroom. Hell, these people want to ban this word from the dictionary, apparently they feel it is demoralizing. Boo-fucking-hoo. They want to replace it with "deferred success". Deferred success? Fuckoff. You failed.

Am I the only one who feel this is total insanity? Why must the world feel that we should not be sick, never lose, never fail and never show any weaknesses... for anything. This is like the proposal in Canadian schools to remove grades. That's right, no more A, B, C, D. Instead, satisfactory is what you get. Where's the incentive to be the best? To be all you can be. Sad. It's gone. All of this to spare the feelings of the parents of the dumbass who can't read, solve an equation, or pick out the US on a map.

By giving a grade of "deferred success" to a child, the system is allowing the child to continue with the fairytale world of the Easterbunny and Leprechauns... if wrong is "not quite right", today's children will eventually be very dissapointed. It doesn't continue to be a fantasy world forever. Right is right, and wrong and wrong. That's what needs to be taught. And guess what kid? If you failed, you failed. Pick yourself up and be a success.

A good reason to be a virgin...

2005-07-21T09:20:00.000-04:00

A story from Reuters has free school for virgins. Here's the quote: "KAMPALA (Reuters) - A Ugandan member of parliament has pledged to reward girls for their chastity by paying their university fees if they are virgins when they leave school, a local newspaper said Wednesday. "

Here's the link.

Here's where my mind goes. How do they check this, or better yet, is the examination by (I'm hoping a trained professional) worth it?

What you want, What she wants

2005-07-20T07:01:00.000-04:00

Houses don't mean very much to me, but they do to her. I wonder if it's the same for everyone else? The man doesn't care if he lives in a shack in the middle of nowhere. The woman, on the other hand, cares very deeply about where she lives. Men, you must never forget this, this fact can make or break you. This might be where the better or worse part comes in. The twenty dollar bet you made with the priest is on the line here. This is the part when you don't wanna lose your Andrew Jackson. Never believe that as long as you’re happy, she is, or you won't be for long.

She needs a nice house. More than that, she needs a home. You just need a twelve-car garage. But she wants the three bedroom, even if you only need one bedroom, two bathroom home with large living room, den, large kitchen, with a nice view of something. As to the garage? You only have two cars, it's your hopes and aspirations that take up the rest of the space. You want to fill it with speed, good looks, and thousands of horsepower. Which is certainly nothing to be laughed at. Keep in mind, those are the same reasons she has for wanting to a three bedroom home, the fact that she wants little, what do you call them? Kids. I think my point is made. Useless space.

I wouldn't mind living in a cardboard box, as long as my red '65 vette was in front of it. Women don't really understand cars. They feel that cars are transportation. But wouldn't you rather be transported in a racing-red Ferrari than a Volvo? Let's see. V-12, 492 horsepower, 0 to 60 in roughly 4.7 seconds or nice, comfortable seats, reputable name, a dozen or so air bags? Tough choice. I know, the speed limit is still 65, but wouldn't you rather get to it in 5 seconds?

Cars have always excited me. Ever since I can remember, and I'm told even younger than that. Those wheels, that paintjob, all that chrome, the engine, that sound of a pefectly tuned chevy big block pumping out four hundred plus horsepower. I love it. Of course, women love that house. She gets the same feelings you do about your car. The ceilings, that round staircase, the herb garden, that beautiful living room. I just don't get it.

This is why women will invite four or five friends to the house, and entertain them in their beautiful livingroom. Men will pack four or five people in the Barracuda and go motoring down the highway, without caring about a destination. Maybe you'll come back, drunk as hell, with a few more people than you left with, including that freak you lost twenty bucks to in the trunk. Then you might sleep out on the lawn, only to be woken up by the neighbor's wife, trying to unlock your trunk to let her husband out. It's only then that you wonder if you were dreaming, or did you really kidnap that damn cat over at that barn you all burnt to the ground. You don't know, you don't care. You're not even on the right street, nevermind your own lawn. Just an other Friday night with the boys.

Plumber meets Marketing

2005-07-19T14:09:00.000-04:00

This is what happens to plumbers on WAY too much crack.

Top 10 Classic albums (in the making)

2005-07-19T07:57:00.000-04:00

For this, I decided I'd like to predict what some recent (2000-now) albums will do in the future. This means, will they be the next Back in Black, Hotel California, Breakfast in America, Joshua Tree, Abbey Road, you get the point. At the very least, will we still listen to these 30 years from now.

Green Day - American Idiot
Nickelback - The Long Road
U2 - How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
The White Stripes - Elephant
Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free
U2 - All That You Can't Leave Behind
The Killers - Hot Fuss
The White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan
I'M LEAVING THIS SPOT OPEN

Beastie Boys?
Franz Ferdinand?
Modest Mouse?
Coldplay?
Jet?

Inventors I'd like to thank

2005-07-18T16:48:00.000-04:00

Have you ever heard those Bud Light commercials where they thank the inventor of "some useless crap"? They are immensely entertaining, and today I couldn't get the thought out of head. Just a random "I wonder where the hell that guy came up with that? type of shit.

Propane BBQ Inventor
This has got to be a dude. Who else wouldn't be content to cook inside on a trusty stove? This guy fucking rocks. Let's a take a propane tank and hook it up. Good. Now let's get some spark and light this bad boy. Good. 2, 3, 4 burners. Good. Let's get more fire. Mmmmm.

Remote Control for Car Stereo Inventor
This guy has some SERIOUS health issues, if he's not willing to lean over and hit the "Next" button. This is more of a negative nod than a real one, 'cause I can't for the life of me understand why some jackass can't just reach over and lower the volume.

GPS Inventor
Never satisfied with just thinking "Here I am", he wanted to know PRECISELY where he was. Compass? Nope, not good enough. Good job.

Bar Code Inventor
These things are everywhere. Really. A scan here, a scan there. Just a few well spaced black lines on a white. What could be simpler. Something else scans that and wham, it reads it and the computer handles the rest. How you get to fit that much unique information into some lines, I'll never know. But thank God this guy knew. How would we buy all that crap we don't need at the Gap without it?

Night Vision Inventor
Forget the military use, think of the spying on your neighbor's wife use. This is probably the case of a masterbating junkie who was out one night trying to catch some lesbians going at it. Or maybe it was a government funded research project for the military. Good news for night fiends either way.

Snowboard Inventor
No longer happy hurling yourself down a mountain at sub zero temperatures on 2 very small pieces of fiberglass and metal, this guy thought "Woah, what if we were strapped in and only had 1 of those boards?" I salute you my man. Very cool.

AstroTurf Inventor
Here's a guy who's got to be thinking, "I'm not satisfied withis real grass stuff". One day this dude gets up and creates a fake perfectly blinding green grasslike surface. This has got to be one of those I can so I did moments.

Q-Tips Inventor
How filthy do your ears need to be to invent something like Q-Tips?

Cotton Candy Inventor
It's pink and fluffy and oh so sweet. Oh yeah, and why does it look like freakin fiberglass insulation?

Paper Clip Inventor
It binds piles of paper together. It's somewhere between staple it and leave it loose. It's a paper clip. Think of your day without it. Go on, I bet you can't. Your day would be empty, void, completely meaningless. I'm exagerating a little, but you get my point.

Honorable mentions

Televison
Hockey
Computer Mouse
The @ symbol
Tampons
Deodorant

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince !!!!!

2005-07-18T08:03:00.000-04:00

Got your copy of the newest Harry Potter?
-
-
-
-

Me neither.

Seriously, anyone out there care that much any more? I'm guessing the answer is yes, I just can't figure out why. If I catch Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch, going "I love Harry Potter!, I love Harry Potter!" maybe... but c'mon, what the hell is going on?

This is the 6th instalment in Rowling's Potter series, and I've had enough. I know I don't have to watch, listen, read or otherwise be involved in any of the Potter hype machine, but it's still has me wondering why the world still gives a crap. Maybe we'll never know.

REVIEW - Weezer - Make Believe

2005-07-17T10:44:00.000-04:00

The geeks are back. That much we know. We also know of the outstanding first single off their new album, the insanely catchy Beverly Hills. This song is as close to Buddy Holly as anything else they've ever released, just a fantastic poppy sing-along track. The problem with the rest of the album is it really has no other legs to stand on. The remainder, from the lackluster Perfect Situation to the who gives a shit We Are All On Drugs, is all pretty bad. Unless you fall into the 12-14 age group, most of these songs will leave an incredible emptyness.

Musically, Weezer returns after 3 years to deliver something so utterly poor, so blah it's almost insulting. One great song, 11 completely heartless and pathetic other offerings that makes you wish these guys would have just quit.

1 star out of 5

Leading into the weekend thoughts

2005-07-15T16:41:00.000-04:00

Someone once sang, Everybody's working for the weekend. Was it Loverboy? Let's go with that, since it really doesn't affect this. The lyrics make sense, right? Especially on a Friday. I think that works for most of us, just not me. I like to do work on the weekend. I mean, I'm definitely a geek because of it since I'm lost if I got nothing to do.

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty to look forward to once my Friday is over and done with.

I hate the alarm clock. Nothing like that feeling of going to sleep, knowing you won't have to put up with that horrific sound the next morning. For me it's about the night before, not the morning. Yeah, I'm fucked up.
No traffic
No dumbasses to answer to. This doesn't necessarily mean your boss, or that fat chick in accounting that really really smells. For me, it's suppliers, coworkers, and anyone who has an IQ of a stale bagel.
If I don't feel like doing something, I ain't doing it. That is HUGE. Even though I do quite a bit of personal work projects for current clients, future projects and new ideas, it's all about not HAVING to.
It's hard to get drunk on a weeknight. I've done it, but it's just more fun to get loaded on the weekend.
No boss
Napping. Oh yeah baby, siestas ROCK.
More daylight for taking out the toys (convertible, motorcycle). I often take my bike to work, but that's in traffic and very little of it is fun. You also get to be Captain Mechanic, even though I absolutely suck at anything mechanical.
That Sunday feel. You shouldn't have to do anything on Sunday. Afterall, back to the grind on Monday, right? If you're married or otherwise engaged in a relationship, maybe this point doesn't apply to you specifically. Hopefully you haven't been married so long you don't know what I'm talking about.
Ultimately, it's about being in control and knowing it's YOUR time. If you feel like rollerblading, done. If you feel like sleeping, done. If you feel like reading, done. If you feel like taking a dump, done. You get the point.

It's mostly about anticipation for me. It's just fun as hell to have something to look forward to, even if it's something as insignificant and pointless as a weekend.

Have a good one!

Is it the fault of P2P and mp3's that CD sales are down?

2005-07-15T08:54:00.000-04:00

I think the record industry has it wrong... or maybe I'm to blame for not understanding the crap that goes on behind the scenes.

If they (and you know who THEY are) want to sell more CD's, I doubt having a Free DVD or a bonus song, or else making the album a limited edition. Fancy album covers and graphics can only get you so far. C'mon, give me a break already!

Now... interestingly enough, ticket prices for shows has gone up along with the so called decrease in CD sales. The correlation is unmistakeable. I remember back in the 90's when a ticket to the Eagles would cost you $130. I wanted to see these guys, I just couldn't do it. Remember, this was when a ticket to a show was $25-50. Eagles my ass, this was a hell of a premium! Not the average rate for some of these bands is $120-200. Insanity. Rolling Stones are now charging $450 a ticket. Yep, that's each folks! So let's see, I take out a loan and maybe I can afford (I doubt taking a loan means afford, but for the sake of this argument let's go with that) to go see 2 hours worth of music from a band that is WAY past its prime. And by the way, I saw the Stones in 99 I think. That cost me $65. So again, what the hell happened to ticket prices?

Most would say it's a matter of economics. It costs more to put on a show, union costs, euqipment, transport increases. Bullshit. Everybody's gotten greedy. Charge what the market will bare, then add 25%. Complete bullshit.

Here's an idea. Give us incentives to buy the CD. Put some kind of passcode into the CD where those that use can get tickets for a reduced price. Afterall, shouldn't those that buy the CD's get a deal when going to see the band they've already supported by buying the music in the first place. I mean, if Green Day feels like charging $75 for their next tour they could at least put a password or something in that CD case that would allow me to get 2 tickets for $50 or $60 each. It's both incentive for the band to put better material on the CD in the first place (I mean, why go to a show when the CD sucked?), and the true fans will buy the CD to get into the show for less, so CD sales will be up as a result. Too simple? Yeah, thought so.

All American Rejects - Mow the lawn?

2005-07-14T12:05:00.000-04:00

Huh?

Anyone listen to this album's title song and NOT hear "Move Along", but instead "Mow the lawn"? It's insane how much it sounds like he really wants to mow that damn lawn!

Worse than that...

and even when your hope is gone,
mow the lawn
mow the lawn

when everything is wrong, we
mow the lawn
mow the lawn

And then they go and release the album under that name? Who the hell was in the control room?

White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan Review... sorta

2005-07-14T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not gonna say this album has changed my life, but it certainly is a hell of a great listen. If you've never listened to Jack and Meg, this collection is simplistic sounds will have you switching it off pretty quick. Even if you liked their previous stuff, this is just like every other thing put out by these two. It's eclectic, noisy, raw, and visceral. It'll definitely take a few listens to truly appreciate the fanatic music pouring through your speakers.

The first single Blue Orchid is ok, if even that. It's certainly catchy enough for the radio, but lacking any kind of meaty center... kind of a hollow track with nothing but strange, stepped-on cat vocals. Track 3 is My Doorbell, very catchy. This is when the album starts picking up steam. Next up is Forever For Her (Is Over For Me), one of my favs. Jack sings of a lost love, excellent track. Little Ghost is as catchy as they come, if you can put up with unexpected country guitar strumming. Lyrics invoke some kind of bad acid trip... but what do I know? Track 6 is The Denial Twist. Wow. I mean really, wow. I can't describe this song, I certainly can't do it justice. If you hear (I mean LISTEN) to any song on this album, this has GOT to be the one. The beat is sick, the lyrics are awesome. The way the lyrics are put together is genius, Jack has turned his voice into an instrument. Again, wow.

Here the listener gets a break. White Moon is a bore, nothing to report. Melancholy and emo rock, nothing great. After this, Instinct Blues is standard White Stripes fare... just not very inspired. Everything on this song seems forced, dissapointing. Meg chimes in for track 9 and she sings of dads and brothers and love. All this in 35 seconds. Short but very sweet. Track 10 will grab you from first listen, where Jack takes us from starstruck to complete fanatic in a very complex tale of Rita Hayworth and deranged fan. Take, Take, Take is a hell of a rythmic piece that will have your toe tappin and your mind workin, all at the same time. You'll even smile.

The album's got soul, it's got rock, it's got some country, it's even got some charm. The White Stripes have managed to step out of the one trick pony garage band mold, but still retained enough gusto to hammer out another very fine record. It may not be your cup of tea, but if you give it your full attention this is one album that should reward you for years to come.

4 1/2 stars out of 5

REVIEW - Metallica Show (Repost) Montreal 2004

2005-07-12T11:04:00.000-04:00

A little preamble. I love "old school" Metallica, albums 1, 2, and 3 - ...And Justice for All starts the downhill trend, and then on the "Black" album I only like one song. I saw them in 91or 92 I think (the tour with Guns n' Roses) and again less than a year after that. They were touring for the "Black" album, but they knew that people were calling them "sellouts" and they really tried to play alot of their older heavier stuff. I'm not saying a nice power ballad is a bad thing, the song "One" is very good, but Nothing Else Matters, no thanks. During that tour, they rocked, they rocked really really hard. Ok, enough of that.

Last night's show.

I can't list the songs in order, nor do I know all the songs, so I might miss some or reverse some orders, etc.

Open up with Blackened. Played 1 from Load (I think) Frantic from their new album (by the way, has there been a WORSE album in recent history? Sorry.) Wherever I May Roam, Something else I have no clue... ok, at this point I'm getting a little annoyed. Then they play Disposable Heroes which makes me a VERY happy camper since it's a classic track from a classic record. Something else I don't recognize, but still rocks so I'm good. By the way, solos are amazing, Kirk Hamett is still pretty darn capable with a guitar. Pleased with that. Master of Puppets, so again, just amazing. They always do a kick @ss job on this song, they don't dissapoint. As the show starts to draw to an end (not counting the encore) we're blessed with Fight Fire with Fire, King Nothing, and the Metallica epic Fade to Black. Ok, not too bad... for me, it's been a night of ups and downs.

A few miscellaneous thoughts. Pyrotechnics were very good, sometimes really good. The flames and the bangs, all very good. The lights and the stage was well done. Center stage meaning instead of having 1 front row, they have 4. The stage was constantly changing, from one song to another. Everything wireless means they have total freedom to run around and sing and play wherever they want, and the drumset kept rotating around the stage... by the way, Lars was awesome as usual. I'm a little disappointed he didn't have a formal solo, but he really gave those drums a beating :)

Encore. I know I'm probably not your "typical" fan, but the encore started with St. Anger. St. WTF??? Are you kidding me? I didn't drop a hundred bucks to hear St. Anger... ok, on the next. Enter Sandman. I know and understand that it's a radio standard now, but that in itself should tell you something. It's not Metallica is you hear it on your local Mix station. Ok, got through that, I feel better. Sad But True, this is my favorite song on the Black album but I'm still a bit PO'd from their previous encore choices to get into it. I'm trying, really I am, but it's hard :( Ok, here we go. Seek and Destroy - man did the place go nuts! Listen up boys, I think the fans are trying to tell you something ;) After this wonderful display of rock meets metal (early 80's style), Nothing Else Matters. I won't go into it, but you can imagine my reaction. They sealed it with Dyer's Eve, a heavy song, better but not quite what I was expecting as a closer.

The encore was both satisfying (in terms of length... probably about an hour) but badly lacked content. An encore is supposed to contain the greatest hits, the best of the best, leave the fans foaming at the mouth... maybe I'm badly out of touch, but have their greatest hits really changed to Nothing Else Matters, St Anger and Enter Sandman? I'm all for mixing it up, but a few songs were sadly lacking. In no particular order, For Whom the Bell Tolls, Sanitarium, Creeping Death, Am I Evil. To me, no Metallica show is complete without AT LEAST For Whom the Bell Tolls. I really could go on but I won't. Now that the anger's gone I'm left with disappointment. Cheesy, I know... just how I feel. Ok so this turned out less of a review and more of a statement of the demise of one of the world's most influential and arguably best metal bands.